THE HEART OF THE SIXTH YEAR
I woke up this morning to another day, just like every morning.
But nothing is the same. The sun came up, I’m breathing, and the view to my backyard is the same.
But nothing is the same. Since this same day six years ago.
My beautiful Tina Faith left this earth for her heavenly life.
It was the tragedy of a car accident – it was the light now so bright in everyone who knew her. It was barely being able to breathe – it was breath that soothed me with grace. It was tears that wouldn’t stop – it was a cleansing of the harshest wound. It was a numbness I’d never felt – it was an incision without anesthesia. It was darkness everywhere – it was Sunflowers that oozed her love.
I honestly didn’t know how I would possibly wake to another morning six years later. How dare the sun shine? Yet the warmth caressed me with her hugs. How dare the stars come out? Yet it was the window into her new dwelling place. How dare people just go about their business in the world when mine had ended.
This six-year journey has been so hard, with simply no words to describe the bareness of wanting to look into her eyes, see her smile, hear her laugh often the most joyful, contagious laugh. I love nothing more than to look at her pictures and watch videos of her just being her wonderful self and all the ones of her dancing since she was three years old.
The heart of the sixth year still feels the unimaginable pain and the feelings I’ve mentioned, but it is stronger than I ever thought it could be.
The heart of the sixth year feels the unbearable absence, but chuckles at the little signs that come in phrases that I heard her say often, a little white butterfly that visits me in my garden often, the Sunflowers that pop up out of nowhere, a smell that makes me swear she’s standing right next to me.
Today, the signs came in the form of the most tender gesture of roses and sunflowers and the sweetest note from a friend I love dearly but haven’t known that long and knows little about my daughter’s death, but took the time to confirm the anniversary date and gift me with something so simple but beautiful and so heavy with the love I desperately needed and will carry with me forever. She didn’t know that hardly anyone ever remembers this day. The second sign came in the number six that would not leave me. The number that is said to have to do with earthly matters. Six points show up in The Star of David, water crystals, snowflakes, the chambers of honeycomb and bell peppers. Six points is also depicted in the medical symbol of health and healing. It also came to me that the number six is said to be the most harmonious. It has been given the nickname of motherhood after its loving, caring nature and its natural ability to heal, protect and teach.
Wow! No wonder this sixth year was bursting in my heart.
The heart of the sixth year is one that can see light so bright it skips a beat.
The heart of the sixth year is a heart that can help mend other’s broken heart.
The heart of the sixth year is like a Chinese vase whose broken pieces were mended with pure gold. Every single broken crack is still there…
But it can exist in wholeness in this world that will never be the same, but embracing the truth that is always the same.
Sending you love from my gold-mended heart,