I’m asking because most likely if someone were to ask you face to face, you would smile and say I’m good. But if you ask yourself, what would the truth be? And what does OK mean?
Maybe you’re OK physically, life is going OK for the most part. But are you really OK? After all, Thanksgiving, the time to give thanks and be grateful is not the time to admit things you are struggling with, right?
For me, it hits me rather hard this year. The holidays are never easy for me, since losing my daughter, but I just can’t pretend that I’m not struggling with recent gut-punches. You know, the ones that kind of knock the wind out of you. Just like a physical punch that might take days to recover from, life’s gut-punches can be tougher and take some time to heal and gain perspective.
This too shall pass remains true, but it doesn’t lessen the pain in the midst of whatever you’re facing. It could be a small circumstance or a life changing event, either way, it feels like a gut-punch, and there is no regard for day and time. You’re left just trying to breathe, yet you’re trying to
fall in line with what should be or what you want Thanksgiving to be.
I have become aware over the years that for many of those we will be around this year, some of which we will share a feast with, are not OK.
Yes, Thanksgiving is about being grateful and entering a season of giving and joy, but isn’t the best part of that the hope and encouragement gracing what’s not OK? An act of kindness, genuinely caring words, a few moments of someone’s time.
Any act of caring never fails to touch someone’s heart. I know people, myself included, whose whole day was turned around from a simple kindness or gesture. Because even for a moment, the weight of a heavy heart is being carried.
I know now that suffering through the holidays is much more common than we realize. We can be OK with that.
We all have a picture of how we want Thanksgiving Day to be, but I ask you, how is it, really, for you? Do you feel overwhelmed with preparations? Are the where and when circumstances different this year? I watched a movie last night about a family gathering for Christmas at “Nana’s” home at her request, just like every year, even though she’d passed that year.
Of course, it was touching, and heartbreaking. The joy of oh, so many memories against the knowing it would be their last Christmas in their beloved “Nana’s” home.
So I ask you, is Thanksgiving going to be different for you this year? Do circumstances this year keep you from being with family for the first time? Did you lose someone special? Are family dynamics different? Divorce, finances?
Is it the first Thanksgiving after the loss of a parent, sibling, or the unthinkable; the loss of your child.
It may not be easy to be in a spirit of gratefulness this year, and that’s OK.
Nothing may ever be the same and things that used to matter, just don’t right now. These feelings are normal. Please, just know that you’re not going to experience Thanksgiving in the same way as everyone around you – and that’s OK.
Maybe it’s enough to just be thankful that your impact in this world has never and will never change.
GIVE THANKS FOR THAT! And then maybe you can be thankful for the next breath.
And that’s OK,
Ruthie
I’m thankful for your sharing and writing this blog so that I could read it today. My partner lost a child before we met and every year is tough for him, us, the entire family. “Nothing may ever be the same and things that used to matter, just don’t right now.”, is so true. Thank you for putting it out there.
Thank you Kathleen! It’s hard to write about and some perceive it as a downer, but love and kindness must acknowledge real pain. I’m sorry for your partner’s loss, it’s the worst loss ever. Thanksgiving is so hard because my daughter and I used to watch the parade together and end the day watching the newer version of Miracle on 34th st.
May I recommend Christina Rasmussen’s weekly blog Message In a Bottle. It’s about tragic loss and is the most beautiful and healing short read. SecondFirsts.com
Blessings! and thank you so much for posting!!! xoxoxo
Your post made me think of all the times and reasons our family holidays have morphed and evolved over the years. Sometimes they are joyful reasons as when our family has grown. Other times there is sadness. This year my husband has traveled across the country to spend time with a close friend and mentor who just received a very short-term diagnosis. Your post makes me think about my gratitude for a family that has space for what every member needs and wants to do. Thank you.
Very well said, Andrea. You interpreted exactly what I intended. Sometimes things just aren’t OK! Blessings to you !! Thanks so much for posting!!!
Well said, Ruthie. I am grateful for all the family gatherings. Now, since my son’s death, I go south for the winter and miss the family events – which is a blessing (to be out of the snow) and pit of hell (isolation from family and heartbreak from the memories). I have learned to be okay with how I feel in the moment and crying is something I can do whenever the tears rise. Thank you for checking in on me this Thanksgiving. I am forever grateful.
Yes, Cindy, I feel every year I would just like to go on a vacation by myself! And yes, we have to choose to be okay with our feelings and tears. I still shed a lot!
You are so welcome and there’s nothing like having people that really do “get it”.
Blessings xoxoxxo
I feel like I am living in a parallel universe, numbly observing, not feeling anything and counting the days of the calendar down, holding my breath waiting for the holidays to pass. If I didn’t have others in my immediate family counting on me I would like to run away during this time of the year, however I can’t so I run away in my mind and heart and fake it through the holiday season. I am just so sad about how dead I feel inside. Sad at my life passing by as the years add up quickly. So empty and unfair. I miss my daughter so much, for ever and always. I am losing the battle, physically, mentally and spiritually. She’ll of a person and soulless.
Oh, Keri, thank you for opening up! I know! I know! It’s why I wrote the blog. It is absolutely normal to feel like this! You didn’t mention when you lost your daughter, but it doesn’t really matter, your life will never be the same, however, let me encourage you that life does get a little easier.
My concern as I feel your heart is that you say, “I am losing the battle.” It does feel that way, but hear me when I say it’s not a battle. It’s so hard, and you will feel on some days you took a step forward and then you feel like out of the blue you were hit by a knock-out punch. You are simply on a journey you don’t want to be on to a new normal.
Let me share with you some things that brought me to a place of making a choice. I read, “When a soul dies because of the loss of someone you love, it turns one tragedy into two.” I knew then that I either get under the covers and stay there might as well as have died, or I find a way to live this new normal as my daughter would have wanted. It was a slow, painful journey but headed in the right direction.
Also, I read a book by Christina Rasmussen, “Second Firsts.” It was a lifesaver. I promise, it will help and I also encourage you to go to her website and sign up to receive her Friday blogs called Message in a Bottle. Her words and perspective are so honest and real and I still look forward to reading it every week – SecondFirsts.com . It brings so much comfort and permission to not pretend around others. Just be true to your own journey.
I also want to let you know that because I so desperately want to address all that you mentioned here, I am planning a retreat for all who have been gut-punched by loss. I will be posting info in the near future on my blog and if you’re so inclined, I would welcome you to sign-up for my blog. Regardless, please email me or send me a fb message if you would like to stay in touch.
Much love and prayers, xoxoxoxox