The words that I now know best describe those things in life that have ripped pieces right out of our heart.
I feel the mangled remains of those missing pieces ripped from my soul every day, but with October’s changing temperatures and beautiful colors, as well as less light, my heart begins to feel it’s missing pieces, like the trees must miss their leaves. My heart feels less warmth of the sunlight and digs a little deeper for comfort and like the trees, go into rest and survival mode, which is needed for healthy rejuvenation.
Every October falls into the memories of losing my beautiful daughter, Tina on October 9, in a car accident, only to be followed by her 21st birthday on October 19. This year was her 33rd earthly birthday. So, my October is the anniversary of the worst nightmare a mother could have, only to feel the empty arms of celebrating the day of the most treasured gift I ever received.
The first word that probably comes to mind for most would be grief, and of course it is, but…
Words mean something.
Or do they?
Grief – There’s been unending books written, groups formed, counseling from every view point possible. They say there are five stages, oh, yes, and then it’s over. The ears receive the message, “It’s normal,” and also “it’s unhealthy.” Words used both negatively and positively toward someone. A plethora of words and meaning can be packaged in the one word – grief – but they are always hidden behind and presented as the one word. One thing I know, Grief in it’s full definition, is very real.
Trauma – It’s horrific, it’s life changing, but really soul changing. The word conjures up pictures of abuse, or a moment of witnessing horror with our eyes, etc. But after a lifetime of experiences and the heartbreaking situations of many of my coaching clients, it is clear that trauma can be anything that dealt you a gut punch, a punch that came with injury to the heart of your being. Yes, it can be violence or illness, but it can also be watching your child experiencing trauma, whether you call it that or not, it’s a gut punch. It could be a divorce that many just view as part of life, the loss of a job (and yes, that can cause real trauma).
But suffice it to say, the words grief or trauma are both over-used and under-used to describe a situation, but often not applied to situations where it is real experienced grief or trauma, or both.
Both grief and trauma are experiences that change who you are forever. And it actually has no end. Yes, there is healing. Yes, life still has joy to offer, but it comes only within the experience of this different way of being. There is no going back to “normal,” the “way it was before.”
The dilemma is, that’s not part of what we’ve been told/taught is the meaning or proper “dealing with” either.
The truth is, our souls are left with missing pieces. Kind of like surgery, healing can and does occur around the violated area, but the pieces never return to “normal.”
When my clients come to the understanding that certain life experiences, whether deemed by some to be trivial, or inconceivably devastating, it is still grief, it is still trauma.
Grief is trauma and trauma is grief. We cannot heal from either until there is truth and courage to allow it to be what it is.
I am including a favorite poem by my good friend, John Rondel. It is actually how I became aware of him and his work. Every piece of his work becomes a piece of my missing pieces.
It is written with the thoughts of losing someone dear, but any trauma is easily applied. I hope you’ll take the time to read it over and over, even print it out. It is a warm embrace of your missing pieces.
Grief is a Coral Reef
by John Roedel
when somebody else tries
to tell you how you should grieve
smile and forgive them
through your watering eyes
and then imagine
how lonely it must be
to be the person who
audits the tears
of other people
the well-intended
will tell you how
long you should miss
your beloved
but
you take your time
grief is a hedge maze
and being lost inside of it
is more than okay
don’t race through your heartache
because you might
just miss a miracle
or two
in the teardrops rolling
down your face
don’t grieve quickly
just to make somebody
else feel better
if you need to,
let your grief
become a coral reef
let the algae of your hurt
slowly form over the years
into the softest violet hue of heaven
it can take two lifetimes to recover
when our beloved becomes
an empty chair
it’s okay
take as much time
as you need
your healing is your healing
and the scars of absence
will itch longer than you can imagine
but that is because you
risked to love so deeply
and that is far better than
the alternative
I am proud of you
and the courage it
takes for you to grieve
so fearlessly
don’t listen to those
who want you to go back
to normal
normal will never exist again
for those of us who have
lost a part of our heart
if the moon broke in half
would it feel normal?
to hell with normal
normal was their scent on your collar
normal was their voice resting in your ear
normal was their touch on your skin
you have a new normal
it’s looking at the shape of clouds
for messages from the great beyond
that your beloved is fine
you have a new normal
it’s building a cabin in
the woods of your memory
where you and your beloved
can meet for lunch
you have a new normal
it’s crying and laughing
at the same time
whenever their favorite
song plays on the radio
grief isn’t the enemy of life
numbness is
don’t become numb to your suffering
welcome it in
and let it wrap you
up like a blanket
whenever it shows up
at your door
it’s okay
I swear
it’s okay
your beloved misses you just
as much as you miss them
and someday
you two will
get all tangled up
together again
someday
you two will
push each other on a
swing again under
a shower of falling blooms
and someday
you two will ride
comets together
on the edge of everything
and someday
you two will giggle
at all of the people
who tried to tell you
How to grieve
Missing Pieces but not the Miracle,
You can get John’s book here. Upon Departure You won’tbe sorry!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
I can’t think of any greater joy than to help you find that center of your soul with all the power and tools to thrive in whatever painful, stressful journey life is taking you. You have a passion and a purpose. Let’s discover you! You have nothing to lose in having a conversation, right? Do you have a few minutes today or tomorrow?
Let’s talk about your first free session
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Check out my little ebook that will go a long ways in helping you walk clearly through These Days. Declutter Your Soul
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Shoot me any questions you have. RuthieLewis@cox.net